


Darkness

by MorganaNK



Category: Inspector Lynley - All Media Types, Inspector Lynley Mysteries (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-21 23:31:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11367894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: Tommy's anxieties threaten to lead him down a familiar dark path





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC, no copyright infringement intended

I found Tommy in the lounge, staring out of the window, a mug of coffee cradled in his hands. 

I crossed the room and stood behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist, my face resting against the warmth of his back; he didn’t even acknowledge me.

“I wondered where you were. I woke up and you weren’t lying beside me.”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“You should have woken me.”

“I didn’t want to disturb you.”

I sighed deeply, but tried not to get angry with his almost monosyllabic responses. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on in that head of yours or do I have to guess?”

“It’s nothing Barbara.”

“Don’t Tommy.”

He untangled himself from my embrace, placing his mug on the windowsill and then slumping down onto the couch.

“Don’t what?”

I sat down next to him, doing my best not to crowd him.

“Don’t try and make out that there’s nothing wrong or that I am imagining things. I know you too well for that to work. Something is bothering you, in fact something has been bothering you for a good few weeks now, so talk to me, please Tommy.”

Now it was his turn to sigh. “What are we doing Barbara?”

“What; right now or in general?”

“This. Us. The odds are stacked against us so why are we even bothering to try?”

I visibly withdrew from him, my face hardening as I snapped, “thanks for the compliment!”

He turned to face me, “you know I love you.”

“It doesn’t sound like it.”

“I do love you. Oh, this isn’t coming out like I meant it to.”

“Then why don’t you start again, and this time say exactly what you mean, because right now it sounds as if you think that our relationship is one big mistake that you wish you’d never made.”

He ran his fingers through his hair, a gesture I knew meant he was stressed and frustrated, but I couldn’t bring myself to care about his feelings, not when he was currently trampling all over mine.

“I do love you Barbara, I have done for the longest time, you know that. But, as you said earlier, you know me too well. You know my success rate in relationships, the damage I do to the people I love. The thought of doing that to you terrifies me.”

“Well then, congratulations; because you’ve done exactly what you say terrifies you, I just wish you would have told me before I fell pregnant.” I suddenly had a moment of clarity, “that’s it, isn’t it? You don’t want this baby.”

“I thought I did, maybe I do; I don’t know what I want any more.”

In the back of my mind an alarm bell started ringing, and it made me choke back the stinging verbal barb I was about to launch in his direction. I decided to try a different, kinder approach.

“When did you start feeling like this?”

“After the twelve-week scan.”

Things were beginning to add up, but I knew I had to tread carefully. “And everything became real.”

He nodded.

“It’s brought back memories, hasn’t it? Memories of Helen and the child you lost?”

“I know it’s different this time, that we planned everything, but that doesn’t stop the emotions from bubbling up inside of me. I feel like I’m drowning Barbara.”

I reached for one of his hands and held it securely in mine.

“I can’t promise you that nothing will go wrong with this pregnancy, you wouldn’t believe me if you tried, but I can promise you that I’m not going to do anything that will put the baby at risk.” I moved off the couch and knelt in front of him. “I understand why you are apprehensive, why you are scared, but you need to talk to me about how you’re feeling. We are a team Tommy, we always have been, and you should know by now that I have your back.”

“I didn’t want to worry you.”

“You may not have wanted to, but you did. I could feel you pulling away from me, trying to close yourself off from the world, and I’m not going to let you do that. I’m not going to let you go down the path you did when Helen died.”

His arms came around me and he pulled me to him, my head against his chest.

“I can’t go through it again, I just can’t. If I lost you,” his voice hitched as he gave in to the tears he had obviously been fighting, “if I lost you it would kill me.”

“I’m not going anywhere Tommy.”

He stood and offered me his hand. Helping me to my feet, he led me up the stairs to our bedroom. We both knew we would have to discuss things further; neither of us were stupid enough to believe that the situation was anywhere near to being resolved, but there would be time for that later. 

Climbing into bed, we held each other close; soon lulled to sleep by the softness of our breathing and the steady beating of our hearts.


	2. Chapter 2

I stared at the ceiling, envying the ease with which Barbara had fallen asleep. I knew that she was right in everything she said, but that didn’t stop me feeling the way I did. It also didn’t stop me from feeling that I should protect her from that side of me. When the darkness took over I was not the kind of person that anyone should be around, it was as if I hit the self-destruct button and I didn’t want Barbara caught in the fallout.

I didn’t want to feel this way, and before the twelve-week scan I had been thrilled about the pregnancy, but now it was if I was being suffocated by fear. When I looked into the future all I could see was everything falling apart, and I didn’t know how to stop it.

“You’re going to make yourself ill if you keep this up.”

I rolled onto my side to face her. “I thought you were asleep.”

“The way you were fidgeting, I was beginning to feel seasick. Anyway, how about we don’t change the subject this time.”

“We can talk about this until we’re both blue in the face, but it isn’t going to make any difference.”

“I’m not going to give up on us Tommy, and I’m certainly not going to give up on you. You and Helen, you never grieved for the child you lost; she ran away and you buried yourself in work. That’s not healthy.”

“I can hardly grieve now.”

“Why not? There’s no time limit on grief, especially if you haven’t dealt with it. There’s a reason why the death of a child is called the ultimate tragedy and why it is the most difficult death to grieve; no parent expects their child to die before them. It takes courage and strength to grieve, because it is difficult and it is painful. You don’t need to keep this locked inside you, you shouldn’t keep this locked inside of you, it’s not doing you any good.”

“I know I should be looking forward instead of backward, but I can’t help it. I was wrong earlier when I said that I didn’t know what I wanted; I do want you, and I do want our child but, when I look to the future, all I see is everything crumbling to dust.”

“I’m not going to shout at you Tommy, lose my temper or tell you that how you are feeling is wrong, but I am going to tell you that you need to speak to someone who is trained and can help you deal with this.”

“That worked out so well for me last time!”

“Not every therapist is going to be like the one you saw after Helen died. I will be by your side every step of the way, however long it takes, but you need help Tommy, professional help. You should make an appointment with your doctor and ask to be referred to a bereavement counsellor.”

I started to sob, I couldn’t help myself. Barbara pulled me against her chest, rocking me and whispering soothing nonsense as I fought to catch my breath. Being in her arms, feeling her strength, her acceptance and her love, I didn't have to be DI Lynley, I didn't have to be Lord Asherton; I could be Tommy Lynley and I could finally allow myself to let go and begin to grieve for the child I had lost.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _An edited version of a line from the Holby City episode 'Keeping the Faith' which was written by Jeff Povey is used in this chapter. Holby City belongs to the BBC._
> 
>  
> 
> _All other disclaimers still apply._

I was standing in my usual spot by the window, not really seeing what was outside as I was too preoccupied by my thoughts. Poldark brooding was how Barbara lightheartedly described it. I smiled as I thought of her, of how understanding she was being, of how much she loved me, and of how lucky I was to be sharing my life with her.

I couldn’t help but compare Barbara to Helen, and they were as different as night and day. Helen wouldn’t have been as compassionate, she wouldn’t have tolerated me having doubts and fears, or being insecure, instead she would have reprimanded me for behaving like a tortured adolescent. It would have needed to be all about her; her wants and her needs. If she had been the centre of attention then everything would have been fine. While I wouldn’t have wished Helen’s painful and untimely death on my worst enemy, I was glad that we were no longer trapped in an unhappy marriage; we would have ended up destroying each other and everyone around us.

I had done what Barbara had gently suggested and visited my doctor. He had referred me to an excellent bereavement counsellor, one that didn’t want me to draw my grief, sing my grief, act my grief, mime my grief, sculpt my grief, paint my grief, or undertake any other ridiculous concept dressed up as therapy. We met once a week and talked without judgment or reproach, about anything and everything; nothing was off limit.

I learnt to accept that grief didn’t respect time or distance. It didn’t matter how many years passed, or how many children I had in the future, I would always think of my son with love and with sadness, and that was okay.

I also came to understand that just because I had lost one child in horrific circumstances, it didn’t mean that history was doomed to repeat itself. I was allowed to move on with my life, and I was allowed to be happy, just as I was allowed to be sad. I was beginning to realise that my emotions didn’t have to control me; I could control them.

“You doing your Cap’n Ross impression again?”

I turned around, a massive grin on my face. “If I’m Cap’n Ross, wouldn’t that make you Demelza?”

“You definitely wouldn’t want to eat any bread that I baked, you know my skills in the kitchen, or rather the lack of them.”

“We could always redo the pati… ow!” I rubbed the arm that she had playfully slapped. 

She slid her arms around me and I mirrored the gesture, getting as close as her bump would allow and peppering her hair with kisses.

“You’re lucky I love you.”

She stuck her tongue out at me, “I know I am, and I remind myself of that fact on an almost daily basis.”

“Don’t ever change, will you?”

“If I haven’t in the ten plus years you’ve known me then I’m not likely to now. What you see is what you get.”

Nuzzling her neck, I murmured against her skin, “and I enjoy both seeing it and getting it, as often as possible.”

“Let’s take this upstairs Tommy, we’ll both be more comfortable and we won’t shock the neighbours.”

Laughing heartily, I took her hand and led her up the stairs.


	4. Chapter 4

I was completely enthralled by my daughter, and couldn’t drag myself away from the Moses basket where she currently slept. She was beautiful and perfect, and I had fallen instantly in love with her.

Barbara had had an eight-hour active labour and, while I’d hated that she'd had to go through so much pain, and been terrified the whole time, my admiration of her physical and mental strength had increased exponentially. I was in complete awe of her.

I had felt like a bystander during the birth; there hadn’t been anything that I could do to help, other than hold her hand and offer my support in any small way possible.

When Barbara finally pushed our daughter out and into the world I had been overwhelmed by a myriad of emotions. Watching Emma being born had been a privilege, an honour, and an experience I would never forget.

I had held Emma as they had cleaned Barbara up and then they had left us alone to bond. Besides being tired, we had been completely mesmerised by the tiny human that we had created. 

Three hours later we were allowed to go home. I had packed Barbara off to bed while I settled Emma and then I had just sat and watched my family, not quite believing how lucky I was.

Barbara crept up behind me and slid her arms around my neck. I crossed my arms against my chest, holding her hands in mine.

“How are you feeling?”

She kissed the top of my head, “I’m fine, what about you?”

“Me?”

“I would ask our daughter but I don’t think she’s mastered the power of speech just yet.”

I squeezed her hand, “with us as parents, anything’s possible.”

“Well, before you sign her up for Benenden, you can answer my question; how are you feeling?”

I squeezed her hand tighter, “you don’t need to worry about me Barbara, I’m fine.”

“Honestly?”

“Honestly. If I wasn’t I’d tell you, I promise.”

Barbara moved so that she could perch on my lap. She nestled close, rested her head on my shoulder, sighed deeply and closed her eyes.

“Not that I’m complaining, but wouldn’t you be more comfortable in bed?”

“I’m too tired to move.”

“I could carry you to bed.”

“And then you’d need me to call an ambulance because you’ve put your back out.”

I stood, cradling her in my arms, “that’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

I crossed the room and lowered her onto the bed before climbing in. We rolled onto our sides so that we were facing each other.

“With everything that has happened today, I forgot to say thank you.”

Barbara pressed a finger to my lips, “shush, you don’t need to say thank you, you don’t need to say anything.”

I shook my head, “you’re wrong, I do. You would have been well within your rights to walk away from me.”

“Not a chance. I told you, I wasn’t giving up on you or on us and I meant it. In all the time we were partners you never gave up on me, why on earth do you think I would walk away from you?”

“I guess I felt that I was more trouble than I was worth, but you didn’t. You took the time to understand me, you helped me, and you gave us a beautiful daughter, so thank you.”

“I remember a certain detective inspector who wouldn’t give up on a moody, angry, uncouth detective sergeant; who saw something in her that no one else had, and loved her when she thought she was completely unlovable, so thank you.”

“I love you Barbara Lynley.”

“And I love you.”

Curling up in each other’s arms we drifted off to sleep.


End file.
